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Wednesday, October 7, 2015

You're Dismissed — IWSG (26)

This is going to sound negative. Because it is. 

I don't like basking in negativity. But sometimes you feel down and disappointed, you know? And what is the use of a blog if I can't use it as an outlet from time to time? Besides, maybe some of you will relate. And if you don't, lie to me so I don't post about you next time! :P

I should start by saying that me, SK—the writer, is a complete secret to about 98% of people who know me in real life. Not that you guys aren't real, but there's a higher chance of at least one of you being a robot. Anyway, so the people who I've shared it with, obviously it's because they're important to me. The people in *this* life who I've shared the real me with, obviously are also important to me.

Over the past years that I've been doing the SK thing . . . rocking it, I might add. I've been extremely supportive to all these important people. In whatever aspect of their lives. I'm there if they happen to need encouragement, an ear, even as a cheerleader. I'm not saying this because I want a pat on the back. I'm not saying this because I expect much in return. I do what I do because I genuinely care. 

The thing is, at some point, you notice how you're the only one who cares. Maybe my writing is seen as just a hobby. Maybe it's my personality. Maybe it's because I don't voice my issues often enough. My concerns. My excitement. I'll mention things in passing, and I'll get talked right over. Yes, from people on both sides of my life. I like privacy and I'm an introvert so for the most part, this suits me just fine. But when I take time to tell you exactly what makes me sad or what makes me happy or say, "Gosh, I wrote a post I really liked." . . . Don't dismiss me. You know what I would do? I'd go check out your blog. I'd let you be sad, cheer you up, or be sad with you if that's what you needed. I'd happy right along and celebrate whatever needs celebrating.

I recently figured out that this is part of the reason I distanced myself from blogging. Also why I had a tough time getting Static to the finish line. If the people who are supposed to care about me—especially my closest ones who are even in this writing world just like you and me—don't care about what I have to write, why would others? 

But most importantly, I realized it wasn't me. It wasn't about me being selfish or wanting attention. It's a matter of respect. I share this important part of ME—the writer—with them, the least they can do is say "Yay, go you!" once a year. Once a year kills no one. Does it? Someone look it up for me.

Not having the support, we as writers need, hurts. So what took me so long to let it out? I wasn't ready to tell them this before—not that they'll read it. But, guys: You're dismissed. I no longer expect anything from you, and I shouldn't have in the first place. I'll still be there for you, because it's still who I am, but . . . Carry on.




I do have to say, moments like these help define us. It toughens us up. You think a low review feels bad? Nah, the people you care about dismissing you feels bad. I say dismissing them right back is step one, step two is don't leave this community of writers . . . they understand and care ;)


What about you? 
Has anyone in your life dismissed you or your writing?





This post is part of the Insecure Writer's Support Group hop.
Purpose: To share and encourage. Writers can express doubts and concerns without fear of appearing foolish or weak. Those who have been through the fire can offer assistance and guidance. It’s a safe haven for insecure writers of all kinds!  Posting is first Wednesday of every month. Click here for more info.

62 comments:

  1. I agree, some people don't understand the difficulties of being a writer and many do treat it like a hobby, not a job. You make a good point, we shouldn't expect people to support or cheer, but it is nice when they do.

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    1. Yeah, it's more if you're always there to celebrate with them. Once in a while, celebrating with you would be nice.

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  2. Well said! I concur on all points. I share someone's work on every post (pretty much), but I always feel guilty asking for help in return, and when I have, my emails are often ignored. It's gutting, so I cheer you on! :)

    But don' dispair. Many of us (me included) just don't see/hear about/have the time to help EVERYONE in our communities. When I realise I've missed some promo or launch from someone I like I'm like - WHAT??!! When did that happen? And I know other's have said the same about me. I remind myself not to take it personally. It helps.

    shahwharton.com

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    1. No I understand we all get busy and we miss things. I'm talking about always being dismissed, and nothing you do is ever really worth a blink of an eye. You get cheers because you have to ask for it, like this post, if they see it, I'll get bombarded with "how are you? I'm so happy for you!" Can't they care once on their own? Ah well lol

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  3. You are not alone in this. It's taken me a very long time to accept that the majority of the people who "should" be supportive and encouraging, just aren't. I was resentful of all the time I took to ask questions about their lives, to follow up on things they had mentioned, etc with nothing come back to me. I'm not talking quid pro quo or anything like that, but like you said, it's about respect, and I got tired of not being respected. I got tired of my work - a big part of who I am - not being respected.

    I don't have a clear cut answer for you on what to do or how to deal with it - I think it's different for everyone. Focus on the people who do respect you, who do cheer you on. There's a lot of them - a lot of us - out there. :)

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    1. There's no clear cut answer, we just accept people are who they are. The group is great, but sometimes you need closer people, too. You know?

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  4. Yeah I think all of us have felt this way before. I think most people don't understand who each other are nor try to. There is a serious lack of truly caring and understanding or pretending that you do. I figured out at the end of the day I am the person I can rely on and anything else that happens to come along is a bonus. If you lean too hard on people you are bound to fall.

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  5. I completely get this. As far as I know, not one person I know personally reads my blog. Not even my closest family members. Sure, they know about it, but they're just not interested in reading it. The only time they do read it is when I put pieces of writing on it, and that's only because I make them! It would be awesome if the important people in my life cared more about my blogging and my writing, but I've made peace with the fact that it doesn't really interest them. I'm just glad I have everyone here in the blogosphere :)

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    1. I made peace with the fact that family members wouldn't really care actually. I guess I'm more hurt by friends in the same writing industry as us who can't spare a second . . . unless you literally ask, sometimes repeatedly. And then again, who wants it that way? They should care on their own. It's actually great, your family do read your writing when you make them. Most of the time I don't even get that even if I ask o_O

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  6. Ditto on what Laura just wrote. We have to do what we want, what makes us feel good. The heck with the others. This group gets it.

    Best wishes,
    Diane
    IWSG #94

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  7. In the late eighties, I had a handful of comic book scripts published. My best friend Dave (whom I had introduced to comics) never read any of them, and it admittedly bugged me. I later had a comic book & collectibles store, and he only stopped in there once because it was on his way to a job interview.

    On the other side of the coin, my second fiancee -- Number two in a series, collect 'em all! -- used to demand a copy of everything I had published. She saved all of it, and NEVER READ ANY OF IT! That bothered me more than my friend Dave's disinterest in my comics! Her reason? "I don't have to read it to know that it's good... because you wrote it!" I called that the best and most useless comment I ever received.

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    1. Oh my gosh! That does seem worse! And yes, it's useless lol I don't really mean to laugh, but it is kind of funny the way you presented it. Wow!

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    2. Well, if I made you laugh, I accomplished my goal.

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  8. Most of the writing community here is very supportive. It's in real life that I encounter those who just don't understand or even care. But I understand what you mean. You give your support. That should be returned, but often isn't.

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    1. It often isn't. And it doesn't have to be all the time, but acknowledging that something is important to someone you care about shouldn't be a hard thing to do. But what do I know? lol

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  9. Many people just don't understand what a writer's life is all about, neither do they understand why it takes so long for us to write or get our books published. Frankly speaking, we shouldn't be giving them much importance.

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    1. Very true, and that I understand. Like I said, though, I guess it's mostly the ones in our same industry that baffle my mind.

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  10. I can relate! Most people who know me in real life don't know I'm an author. It's only here that people see that side of me. I don't let it bother me though. I like my privacy and don't want the attention.

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    1. Oh yeah, the privacy I love. From family and friends, I just don't want to deal with it. I'm with you with that lol

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  11. I hear you and understand. I often feel as if those closet to me just humour my writing. It's not their thing, I get that, but sometimes a word or two of encouragement would be good. That's why I love the blogging community because there is always someone out there to talk to about all things writing.

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    1. No their thing, most "things" aren't shared. But I bet you listen to their "things" and encourage their "things" right? And yes, the blogging community is here for that . . . I have to go stalk some new friends here see who bites LOL

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  12. My family kind of knows what I do. They see me hunched over the keyboard and then when the book arrives, they see that. What happens in between is a mystery to them, and they probably want to keep it that way.

    I'm wondering if dismissing someone is just insecurity on that person's part. Maybe they don't want to risk being compared to you in public. The more insecure people are the more likely they'll find ways to make themselves feel good, and that often involves making someone else feel bad.

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    1. Not being compared to me in public might make sense. Well publicly online that is. In person I'm too quiet and online I'm . . . too quirky? o_O

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  13. I agree with comments already made. Even, if you do get their attention then they want to know why have you not achieve this or done that, because they don't understand the writing/publishing world. And most of the time have never bother to read or ask to read any of your work, This can also make you feel bad and like a failure if you get too much of it, or really harsh criticism from someone important to you..

    My writing is sacred to in that it is meaningful and matters to me. As time moves forward, I found folly in sharing it with those who have-- no conception of what being a writer is or the driving need that has made us write--or share the love and passion..

    Either OR, can evolve into lose-lose. Your lucky if you find a rare few to share and support you in a personal way outside other writers, because their idea are shaped by the world, TV and the ones that had movie successes, or the appearance of overnight success stories, or old school traditional thinking, because all this is still in the pioneer stages for us writers in the digital age, They just don't understand how this is hard work and time consuming for no money for long stretches until you succeed. Microwave society just can't grasp it or have compassionate understanding about it, because it does not conform to right now.

    Ok, I'm stopping--sorry for the long rant too, but I get you, You've doing great girl. Wishing you much success and support to live your dreams.
    Juneta Writer's Gambit

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    1. Thank you, Juneta! And I agree, which is why I'm keeping writing private from most family and friends in real life. But yes it would be great to find that outside support . . . if only I wasn't such a loner lol

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  14. My immediate family knows what I do (obviously). The rest...not so much. And I'm good with that. Usually. But a lot of that is simply because of the wonderful support from everyone on here. Without that, I think I would have given up long ago.

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    1. It gets tough, for sure! I almost gave up, but the drive was stronger. Besides I had this group to come and cry to once a month if necessary lol

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  15. I definitely care about you and would never dismiss you. I think when you're in the public eye, as authors are, people can be rather nasty. But we know it takes all kinds of people to make up the world. No matter what we do, or how well we do it, there are people who will either ignore you or criticize your efforts. Keep your chin up, Katherine, we're all listening. :)

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    1. Aww thanks, Deanie!!! You're always so sweet! :D

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  16. PS Thank you for posting this rant. It made me feel better about my writing and life in general lately, because I have so felt that sentiment in my real life in all areas lately. Made me feel less alone and not feel totally self involved for feeling that way. This was therapeutic.

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    1. Awesome! Well, not awesome you, too, have felt down. But glad you found it therapeutic. And it's not being self-involved. It took me a while to really accept that it really is about respect. It's about us saying, "You know what? Once in a while what I have to say, matters. Things that are important to me, should be acknowledged at one point or another, the way I acknowledge you." It's common courtesy. And you, Juneta, do matter ;)

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  17. I have 5 brothers. Need I say more? ;) But honestly, I think sometimes family can be the least supportive element in the equation. I'm grateful for the people who are.

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    1. LOL oh man . . . nope, that says it all ;)

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  18. Well said, Katherine. I know what you mean. Non-writers really don't get us most of the time anyway. Thankfully, I don't get dismissed overtly, but I've given my book to people or given them access to my Dropbox account. I make time for their stuff, but they don't make time for mine. You're right. They need to be dismissed. I still care, but I don't take the calls that go on and on about their lives when I'm in the middle of writing or meditating any more. I use DND a lot. Like, several hours a day. Of course, I don't have small humans who need me any more, so it's easier. Keep going, and yes, use your blog to vent when you need to. It's great therapy.

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  19. I know how that feels too. My family is supportive of the writing (but please don't ask me about it! The inlaws do all the time) but there are friends who don't always get it when I start talking about it.

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    1. Yeah, it's okay that they don't get it, but you know . . . showing they're happy for us should still be natural to them. No?

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  20. Aww, I'm so sorry this happened to you, SK. I have been lucky that my family and friends have been very supportive, but for the longest time I was afraid to even tell them about it. I thought people would think I was crazy. Being part of this community definitely helped me build my courage up. I'm glad you were able to vent here - we are all here to listen! Or read as the case may be. :)

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    1. You truly are lucky! And that's wonderful :D
      (And yes, it felt great to vent here lol)

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  21. Aw, I'm sorry SK, that STINKS!!! I used to be very private about my writing because I kept thinking, what if I fail? But now, I tell anyone if it comes up in conversation, mostly because I want people to know that I'm not just some hermit, I really do have a reason for choosing to stay home sometimes. But, I now have to deal with the fact that I'm not published yet because I'm still trying to get an agent, and I know people wonder "what is taking her so long??" People outside the writing world don't understand, but I agree with you—it sure is nice when they at least ASK how they writing is going or what you're working on or anything to show they care. I'm sorry you've had such a bad experience, but you're right, us writer peeps will always be here for you! *hugs*

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    1. lol I've thought of telling extended family and friends just so they don't think I'm a hermit too, but given the reaction from the closer ones? Nah . . . And yes all those other questions that come up O_O

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  22. I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you deserve. It's not right. I've had to deal with a few things from family and friends that knocked me over. Sometimes people are dim. They don't realize what harm they are doing and they aren't bad people--not exactly--just blinded by (insert their issue here). I've wasted my time bringing it up, and trying to talk it out because it only made things worse. They didn't get it. They weren't ever going to get it. And I felt worse than when I started.

    If you can, walk it off and hunker down with us and know you are not alone. You've done great publishing a two works of fiction and I expect you'll do more. Small comfort that it is. :-)

    Anna from Elements of Writing

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  23. People are inherently self-absorbed. Before I left my day job to be a full-time freelance writer, my co-workers knew I wrote but didn't really care. They were shocked when I got an agent and even MORE shocked when I got a publisher...but again, after about five minutes, they went on with their lives and never mentioned it again. When I left, though, ALL they cared about was my book. To this day, people's eyes glaze over and they look bored when I tell them I write for entrepreneurs and marketing firms. They just don't care about that--they want to hear about the books and even then, they only want to hear the basics so they can get back to talking about themselves. If it makes you feel better, that's how people would be no matter what you did! People just spend far too much time talking and far too little time listening!

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    1. LOL people really do want to get to talking about themselves! So let me tell you about me . . . :P

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  24. I CARE ABOUT YOU!
    There. Got that out of the way!
    I'm sorry you are going through that.That you even had to worry about it.
    We are pretty sensitive to others and it does hurt when our highs and lows aren't acknowledged. I hope you do feel the support from the blogging community, cause its so important.
    Thanks for being there for me, too. :)
    Heather

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  25. I'm so looking forward to Static!!!! I loved Kinetic!!

    Unfortunately, I believe I know how you feel. I Love, Love my husband and my kids, but they could care less about my writing. If I quit today, they'd be happy. They're proud of what I'm accomplished thus far, but as long as it doesn't take time away from them. No support system over here. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to vent, just saying I know how you feel.

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    1. And Kinetic loved YOU ;) lol

      Vent away, that's the point of the post lol. But also, no quitting! We love your work, keep them coming! <3

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  26. I just don't share much with anyone including family, especially family. I won a big contest last week and i haven't even told them yet!! I'll always love them, but they really don't get it. My CPs and beta readers and IWSG are all a great supportive cast of real life characters that do care!

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    1. Yeah, the family is okay on my side, I don't expect much from the few that know. The people on this side of our work . . . well, I suppose I need to find me new ones lol

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  27. *HUGS* You made me think so hard on this.
    I am feeling the same way. When I started, everyone was super supportive. I took some time off, and coming back nothing feels the same.
    I'm honestly not on media a lot, but I always check on blogs from people I first talked to.
    I hope you're doing well, and I'm still here, in pieces, but here.
    :P

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    1. HUGS right back! And hey, in pieces? That makes you stronger . . . why? All the other negativity or bad moments can slip right through those cracks from now on ;)

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  28. I can understand what you're saying. You're expecting a little bit, just the tiniest bit, of support from those who know that you are a writer. And instead of giving that support they ignore it. Jesus said something about a prophet and his own town (I'm not the biggest bible quoter, but I hope you get the gist). People will only recognize you when you're huge, not on the way up. But by the time you get to where you know you'll end up, you'll have the best idea about who to celebrate with and who to let go. In the meantime, girl. Write, write, and write some more.

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    1. Love it! And that's true, nothing matters if there's no substantial amount of success that others can "see", unlike us, every little accomplishment is HUGE. Thanks, Nana!

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  29. Hey, we care about you. We think you're pretty damn awesome. We also have Kinetic and Static locked and loaded on Kindle and look forward to reading them some time in the near future. It's important for us to support our friends, because we know what you're going through.

    What I hate is not just that people think writing is a hobby, but that people assume it's so easy. Like, you just sit down, and you write a book, and once it's done it's just automatically published and that's the end. I've met people before, that when they ask what I did, and I said I was an author, they just automatically responded, "Oh, my 16 year old niece is an author too. She writes vampire novels on Amazon." And I want to choke the ever-loving life out of them and scream, "That's not the same f***ing thing!!"

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    1. And I care about you guys!
      Thanks for having my books in your kindle, give them a couple beers now and then . . . but not in the shower! And I have yours too, the support in the community is important ;)

      Oh, being compared to a 16 year old girl who writes vampire stuff on Amazon, your dreams have all come true, haven't they? LOL

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  30. Sorry I missed this last week, S.K.! I think you rock!
    And yes, we have to dismiss people who don't even take time to read what we write and know that we write for ourselves, and for the people who actually read our work.

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